Ya know, as a person who is happily coupled off, I’m so sick and tired of all the bitching and moaning all you single people do about Valentine’s Day. “It’s just another day,” you whine. So if it’s just another day, why are you spending so much time and thought bitching about it?
“It’s just a Hallmark holiday,” you sneer. So… don’t buy Hallmark. And if it really is a holiday made up entirely by the greeting card industry, MAJOR props because hi, great marketing, great campaign that has taken over the whole country!
“It’s just a day to make people feel bad about being single,” you huff. SO DON’T FEEL BAD.
I have never felt bad on Valentine’s Day for being single. In fact, it’s usually – well, it used to be – the day that emphasized most to me just how loved I was, because when I was single, guys that were interested would go out of their way to send me stuff. I would laugh inside because I could care less about Valentine’s Day – in fact, I thought about it today, and it’s the least important “holiday” of the year to me. It’s usually cold, we don’t have the day off, and there aren’t any BBQs to go to (which push Memorial, Independence, and Labor day up a few notches!)! What good is this stupid day?
Look, THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER. On this day, when you’re in a couple, there’s a lot of pressure to perform. I can’t tell you how many times someone has asked me “What are you doing for Valentine’s Day?” and honestly, I’d like to find some married couple somewhere who never has sex anymore and ask them to be completely honest.
Husband: “Well I’m going to drop $200 on long stemmed roses because if I do anything less, everyone in the office will be horrified even though it’s none of their goddamn business. Then I’m going to take her to dinner at some place in the city and spend another $200 easily on tiny portions of food that neither of us will be able to see nor enjoy because it’s too damn little, and that the restaurant yesterday and tomorrow will only charge $100 for but because today is VALENTINE’S DAY they can get away with doubling the prices. I’ll hand her a bag from the jeweler I know she likes, but since we’ve been married 15 years, there isn’t any piece of jewelry I can get her that she really really wants but I have to in order to get laid and she’ll open it and coo over it, thank me. Then we’ll go home after she’s had a bit too much to drink, have sex, and drop to sleep hoping the kids don’t come in and see us passed out.”
Wife: “He’ll probably send me some roses, which I’ve told him a million times not to because I HATE ROSES, and everyone at the office will be up in my business asking me if he’s going to get lucky tonight and what else he’s planned and what we’re doing, then I’ll have to sit through dinner at the worst place in the city because he made reservations at the last minute after I told him 3 months ago what restaurant I really wanted to go to, without regard to this stupid “holiday” and then he’ll pull out a bag from the jeweler he thinks I like, and I’ll have to swallow my grimace and coo over a piece of ugly jewelry and he’ll look all hopeful like he’s going to get lucky tonight while I’m actually wishing we’d stayed home, spent some quality time with the kids, and put all this money towards that new washer/dryer I’ve been eyeing for a while, and the new dishwasher… I’ll keep drinking until I’m just tipsy enough that later on, when he makes his clumsy signature move that is the reason I fell in love with him, I’ll actually relent and let him have sex with me even though I haven’t felt sexy since I gave birth to the third kid who weighed over 10 lbs… and the whole time I’ll be thinking about all the shit I have to get done the next day that I couldn’t do today because we HAD TO celebrate VALENTINE’S DAY.”
What’s annoying me? People who ask me what I’m doing for Valentine’s Day this past week, when I’ve responded with either, “Oh, is that this week?” or “Nothing” (without a trace of annoyance) or “When is that again?” or “Oh… nothing, you?” have all said OMG WHAT’S WRONG? Are things okay with you and your bf?!
…
Yeah, they are, we’re just past the point where we need a day to tell us what to do.
This started off so well but work started annoying the shit out of me. And still is. And I’m not going to be here tomorrow or all of next week, so this is the post you’ll probably keep seeing until I return… angry rant that makes me sound bitter. But I’m not. I just have no patience right now for anyone or anything and I’ve gotten interrupted so many times while writing this that it isn’t half the great, biting, sarcastic and funny piece I wanted it to be. Gahhh, here’s another interruption.
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
I’m off to Argentina for a week. Talk at you on the 25th, bitches!
Hopefully you’ll get a village near me and I can even try to help you out initially 
Have a great TUESDAY.
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