Today is the last day of October… what is a great month.  I see it as my month.  For the past few years, it’s signified the end of my summer Saturday job, which means lots more free time… which means lots more hanging out with friends, to celebrate birthdays, to celebrate life and living, to have fun.  This month, we started off with a trip to Mexico, a birthday present from my boyfriend, went straight into Beatles brunch, more fun, more food, more laughter.  More living. 

But the end of October marks a different moment for me; the start of a quieter time.  Six years ago to this day, at about 4:00 am, after a long, hard struggle with cancer, my father passed away.  I’m really sorry to be the one to tell people… it doesn’t get any easier.  It hasn’t gotten easier, and I’m not sure it will.  This year, for some reason, has been particularly hard for me; the moments between the tears have been getting shorter and shorter.  I dream about him far more frequently than I did in the past, which is nice in a way because it brings me closer to actually spending time with him, but it’s such a bittersweet thing, since when the dream ends, it’s been far too short.  Far too little was said. 

I dreamed about him last night. 

I wish I was feeling more poetic, more eloquent with my words, but this is how I feel.  It’s raw; this is the uncut version of what I’m thinking about.  I was only 20 when I lost him.  It’s not fair.  So for all of you who still have your parents, please treasure them, even if you don’t get along with them.  Call them up today and tell them how much you love them, you appreciate the things they’ve done for you, the sacrifices, because one day, and it will come all too soon, you won’t have the option of just picking up the phone to say “Hi.”  And then you’ll wish you had. 

Maybe I’m selfish but I wish it didn’t still hurt so damn much. 

Have a happy Halloween. 

The poem I wrote for him, when I was more eloquent, can be found here.